The last person named "Magic" had HIV

So we have literature about growing up and being a master of the magical arts and no one sees a problem that adolescent teen wizards don't act like real teens and adult wizards are preoccupied teaching them to turn a person into a frog to do something helpful. Judging by the fact that J. K. Rowling was poor, I don't blame her for being selfish but damn at least Dumbledore could have maybe cured AIDS or cancer before he died. I'll assume he concentrated all his magic on levitating his no longer working penis or cursing Gandalf for being allowed to stay in a room with little boys without Chris Hansen popping out from behind a plant. If you think some little forehead scarred kid didn't use an invisibility cloak to watch all the women of Hogwart's get undressed you're a naive idiot. Look I'm a nerd, I like magic and dragons, but I like real life too.(Only because I'm forced to live in it) So next Halloween when you see a little kid dressed up as Mr. Potter and he's in a wheelchair, ask him why he doesn't use his magic to make his legs work again.

Great Advantage Takers In History Vol. 1

The saying "The moon is made of cheese" came about after mighty astronaut Neil Armstrong gazed out of the capsule door upon landing on the moon. Having inside information (that Buzz Aldrin was lactose intolerant) he quickly proclaimed "Hold on Buzzy (Neil called him this, since it was a hybrid of Buzz and buddy, which humored Neil)......"I think this moon is made of cheese, you better let me go first". Thus securing his name in history and fucking over a moron.

The Uncanny Retard

I don't see the issue with having idiotic people thinking they're super heroes. Where's the problem with that? If a retard is going to die foiling a robbery, good, better it be him than me or someone with a brain. An IQ test should not be required to protect me since there isn't one taken to decide who's harming me. I'd feel safer knowing that instead of mongoloids repeatedly running into the same pole for no reason, they were running into a darkly lit area fighting crime in spandex that is way too small for their abnormally shaped bodies. If it bothers you that I feel retarded people are sacrificial for my own benefit, well fuck you, judging by this post I think about them and what can be done with their useless lives, which is much more than you have done before reading this...retard

Sportball

If anything makes a man look gay it's the sports world. All the balls, ass grabbing and cock holding, but yet it appears there's no "very out there" fags in the sports world. No I'm not counting ice-skating I'm talking the main American Sports. You can't tell me that a gay man doesn't know how to be athletic and take care of they're bodies in order to be fit to "perform" better in a ball sport. Fuck, it's impossible that there isn't a gay man who wouldn't excel in a sport that uses a phallic bat and a ball. Hell, I know a lot of guys looking for that two ball count.

Count Cullen

So I'm confused, which vampire is real now? I grew up with the bloodsuckers that sucked blood and lived in castles with mindless slaves. They would enjoy their time feasting on humans and transforming into mist or a bat. Now they're beautiful, attend school with your kids, and are probably fucking your daughter and her friends as we speak. Since garlic and crosses no longer work in today's world, there is no protection from a vampire pedophile that's 400 years old with his hand in a 17 year old. Side note: Older men with younger women - creepy pedophile, older woman with a younger man - sexy cougar, but I'm the sexist one. Point is vampires have been turned into sexual predators instead of just predators. Werewolves shouldn't be sexy either since they're covered in hair. If you are attracted to werewolves then you are attracted to older Russian men.

Not My First Rodeo

1. I bet she gets horrible gas mileage.
2. I would have totally missed the black guy if he wasn't wearing that white shirt.
3. You might want to get that ass dent checked out.
4. Someone ate that other woman's knees.
5. They might have a shot at finals this year.
6. This is why Drew Barrymore stopped working for Steven Spielberg.

Yawnster

It amazes me how people get upset with me after I yawn. "Don't do that, it's contagious" they'll shout. So I'm to believe that out of all the numerous things the human body can do with an agape mouth, yawning will spread quicker than a brush fire. I've never heard "Please don't talk in front of me...once I see someone talk I just can't stop" or "Did you see her suck that cock, now I'm going to suck cock so hard my eyes will tear". Yawning is not contagious and we certainly shouldn't look at yawning as if someone has an STD. It's just a fucking yawn.

In Frogger I Trust

Yes Frogger. Frogger has been teaching everyone for 29 years that life is not that bad depending how you look at it. Sure he was most likely abandoned on the side of a highway by an unwed mother after prom night, but that doesn't stop Frogger. Cars and crocodiles are just some of life's little foibles to which Frogger says "Fuck ribbit you". It's like the Toadside without an annoying Sandra Bullock who is now collecting children instead of cats. Anyone feeling stressed with the world should take a minute to show some respect to Frogger, unless your Republican then all you see is an illegal immigrant and get upset that you can't drive the truck.

"Ernie...we have a situation."

What's up with the gays lately? Have they all just become pretty/handsome or are they just hiding the out of shape ones at home? Oh and I'm talking about the men because the real lesbians (not the "I'm drunk teehee" ones) are mostly awful, like slobby unemployed straight men. Maybe rainbow lovers developed the black gene which makes them more physically fit, but then again I've never met a lazy cocksucker... unless she was a fat woman. I know they can't be that picky of their partners or they wouldn't be fighting so hard for marriage (and they thought AIDS would destroy their community).

I think I pulled my tits.

1. Make it clap.
2. That is the strongest bikini string ever.
3. Hugs are free with a bonus feel up.
4. Her tits start where her ass ends.
5. I can't believe she's not with a black guy.
6. She's her own lesbian experience.
7. Does she visit a chiropractor for a breast exam?
8. Those tits smell like ass.
9. I told Kristie Alley to not go backless.

Red Team Go!!! Red Team Go!!!

1. Andy Milonakis is in everything.
2. Apparently he wheeled the plant into the room.
3. How Perez Hilton got his start.
4. This is the last time the couple was ever seen.
5. Get Jason and Grant, there's a ghost of a Spanish rapist.
6. Never tell a nerd/goth no.
7. Chris Hansen has a few questions for 2 people.
8. A very lame Trojan Man.

The Cure?

1. That kid looks like a bruised ballsack.
2. John Goodman was a confused youngster.
3. I think the not so fat one is a chick.
4. At least they're obeying the leash laws.
5. Shaggy certainly let himself go.
6. 2005?!?! By now the big one has killed, raped and eaten 4 children.
7. ICP stands for Ice Cream Parlor, right?

I Love Sundays

1. I always fuck up those pieces in Tetris.
2. Doesn't he live in the room back there?
3. Dax Shepard hit a new low.
4. Ever fall asleep and have your sneakers wake up in 1990?
5. Thank God this didn't happen in San Francisco.
6. Good thing he lives in a gated community.
7. David Blaine isn't even trying anymore.
8. Turn the picture sideways and it's Jamiroquai. Virtual Insanity.

Confuzzled

I feel confused. To the people reading...I give you the tiny back story, so....cough...cough. One of Jerry Brown's boys called a woman (Meg Whitman) a whore (they're politicians simpletons.). I'm not sure how to tell people the story, especially if I were a media informer simply because of the word "whore". Describing the word sounds like an embarrassing farce and saying it outright, does sound odd. This is a topic to be explained to your children. It all comes down to where you draw the line on your child's intake. Well, if your kids are reading this, fuck the line they're not my kids. Your kid already heard this word and it came from your boyfriends mouth not thinking your kid was in the room. Concentrating more on your life than your child's makes you a whore (not all single moms just the cracky alcoholic ones). Bottom line is your kids are not my responsibility and if they are then it's way too late to collect........whore.

Trophy Dick

1. The trophy gave her the shaft.
2. She was triple dogged dare.
3. If I put my dick in a freezer I would cold cock you.
4. Good thing a breakfast cereal sponsors this.
5. As a skilled golfer and a slutty woman notice how she cups the balls.
6. What happened to Christina Applegate?
7. Get a room!!!
8. I'm to believe she wasn't introduced to Tiger Woods?

Mrs. Grape

1. The only woman that can pee on her stomach.
2. How did she even make it to the bench?
3. She looks like she's giving birth to one of the Pep Boys.
4. That's why Charles Schultz ended Peanuts.
5. I think her nipples are under her arms.
6. It looks like she's eating the bench.
7. I feel bad for the farmer that milks her.

Waste of picture time

1. That's me, I'm the one in black... no the other one.... no silly the other one.
2. Notice the gays off to the right are also wearing their colors.
3. The after photo is 9/11.
4. Modern day prom pic from West Side Story.
5. I thought ninjas hid in the shadows.
6. The Jawa outfit must be popular at India's Comic Con.
7. This might be a Saudi Arabian Playgirl photo, his ankles are showing.
8. Is the 2nd one on a skateboard or does she have a retard foot?

Future Shock

I don't get it, when I was a kid they told me the future would be now. Where are my holograms, robots...hell, any futuristic items that were in the Jetsons? I mean it's 2010 and instead of a ray that lets police know you're a criminal we instead rely on a semen sample. Cum is found at a crime scene more often than a crime (think about it). I don't like flying so you can keep your car advances and it's a recession so screw a condo on Mars, but little things are important to keep me happy. I want a particle transporter (teleport machine, you zilches). I've had it with walking in public. It's not the walk, it's all the idiotic nonsensical mouth chatter of others that you have to endure during it (no, headphones don't help). I'm paranoid and when around crowds I lower the volume in order to make sure no one is discussing anything about me. Maybe I'd be satisfied if I could just get a pill to cure insecurity or maybe just a good remake of the old Ducktales game for Nintendo so I don't have to go out. A Whooo-ooo.

Your Fucking Face!!!

Here's the back story.... Fabio takes a complimentary first voyage on a new coaster....destiny steps in....calmly says "I got this". At that moment a bird flies into Fabio's face and, yes, there is still 25 or so more seconds to the ride. When it looks like the old woman sitting next to you was flying on the wings of a Maxi and gave you a Rudolph, those seconds can seem like a lifetime. This is just one of the many reasons why I don't go on rides. I don't need that kind of embarrassment and my face would not hold up to a bird slamming into it. I assume Fabio's face came from Easter Island in order to annihilate a bird upon impact. How would you even explain that ability to people? "Yes...well my face actually has the power of a Randy Johnson fastball. What can your face do, besides stop traffic?" Then Fabio would laugh like a boisterous caveman, not really understanding the joke in the first place. I got your back though Fabio (believe me I prefer to be following behind you) I'll always keep you relevant by telling your tale of riding the dragon and slaying the Phoenix on Easter Island.

Slow and Steady

Am I the only one confused by the tale of The Tortoise And The Hare? It's a race.....based on speed.....fat and slow is the failure in this one. If you're going to tell me that it's about not being overconfident and not having a crazy ego...that's stupid, because then the rabbit wouldn't even have entered the race in the first place (get it?). If this was Nascar it would be the tale of 49 cars crashing and burning while a tricycle goes in a circle for 3 hours until they wave a flag. Side note: Driving in a circle repeatedly is not a sport, it's a hypnosis device (when viewed from a bird's eye) to trick rednecks into buying more beer. Maybe we should be teaching kids to not be fat, slow or rednecky. Also, not letting a child watch Nascar or baseball prevents alcoholism, because drinking is the only way to make either of those "sports" as entertaining as watching a turtle race.

Fatty Fatty Boom-a-Latty

1. Of course he does, there won't be a second one.
2. I told my mother I didn't want to wear that shirt.
3. In 18 years a neighbor will say "I can't believe it, he was such a nice boy".
4. There's no way that lunchbox's contents are going to satisfy him.
5. You can't tell but there is a small village behind him.
6. You would figure Susan Boyle could afford better clothes now.
7. Harry Porker and the Lunchbox of Food.
8. Those poor little feet and ankles.
9. Thank God Drew Carey dyed his hair.
10. His mother shouldn't have.

The wrong one blew the shotgun

Oh it happened again, my penis stopped working. God, what happened to the rebellious women I used to masturbate to? Even Skeletor has a British accent now, oh sorry, I mean Madonna. That ridiculous fake Jew looks like a velociraptor that got angry because her retard arms are too small to diddle. Maybe the thrill my cock experienced when I was little was due to a celebrity (or self proclaimed) not flashing their tits and pussy to everyone (that's not a real complaint). Hell, Drew Barrymore hasn't been relevant since she stopped. I guess as you get older you realize that eventually they will all end up looking like this. But why would anyone sleep with a celeb anyway? Why fuck something that's been invaded by every co-star or band mate they have ever known? That's not even counting all the dicks they sucked on their way to the top. Gotta gotta go down to move up.

Plumber Day

1. How Mexicans are born.
2. It would have been easier to bathe if the tub wasn't a storage unit.
3. What a weird Ikea ad.
4. Never scream "Flush the stash!!!" at the Pitt/Jolie household.
5. This is why abortions aren't done at home.
6. Chi-chi-chi-children.
7. Isn't the phrase "I just had a brown baby boy"?
8. And NY'ers were afraid of alligators in the sewers.
9. We're going to need a bigger bowl.

Loss of memory fading....

My memory serves me correctly far more often than I prefer it would. Of course I would crave any excuse to be allowed to forget even the tiniest fragments of time. Well you forgetful fucks, how dare you spend most of your day wandering around in confusion just to complain about not remembering all you had to accomplish. Fucking ridiculous. Is everyone aware that a forgetful person, accepted within a social group, receives a Get Out Of Jail Free card by making a sad face and saying "I forgot... sorry"? It's not fair. Others receive this social sympathy too, like the ugly person or stupid person. I think everyone needs to rise up against their "friends" (be honest, their bullshit annoys the shit out of you) and put a stop to people forgetting to pick up medicine for you on their way home. If you need incentive, their memory neglect really just means they don't' give a fuck about you. Go get 'em Tiger.

Nuff Said

I present you with the picture, what more do you want from me?!?!......... Fine....

1) P.H.A.T. 4 life
2) Notorius T.I.T.
3) Shame on a bigga
4) Go shortiieee it's your buffeettt...
5) Nerd needs food... badly
6) Thank God Jonah Hill turned it around.
7) Despite all my rage... I still want a cheesecake.
8) Big ups mon.
9) The teen years were rough.
10) Good Charlotte turned into Good Cadbury.
11) A.F.I. - Auto Feeding Intent
12) Eminem in a funhouse mirror

I am not a bitch... I mean witch

I fucking hate liars (even though I lied through most of my life and had a much better time not being honest). Since I'm speaking of liars, of course this is going to lead into a political comment about a woman who at one point in her life thought she was a witch and still thinks a man's dick has no place in this world. Personally I feel maybe more politicians should let you know they're not witches, ghouls or demons, despite the fact that they will become one of those as soon as they are in office. I'm guessing the 900 Wicca Gods and Goddess' (I can't name 10 people I like, let alone worship 20 different earth and water Gods) also told her that masturbation is cheating (Ha! I always thought it was helping to prevent cheating). Shouldn't we be asking her questions about how she's going to help the poor? (Which now includes middle class) Or how she will help the recession? Also, for idiots that don't pay attention (my fans), the rich said the recession ended in 2009. Yeah, it's over everyone. You can start spending money you don't make at stores that had to close down. Ahhh screw it...let's ask more political candidates if they watch Ghosthunters or Jersey Shore, that's totally going to fix this country.

Midgetal Love

You know... it sounds like digital... the Daft Punk song... no?!?! Go fuck yourselves, especially if you're not under 5 feet. I want a little person sooo bad it hurts (only up to my knees though). Could you imagine having your own portable nightstand wherever you go? Just not anything really wide, because their little hot dog fingers can't grip it well, so all drinks will have to be rested on their heads. I enjoy just being able to look all the way down at someone and say "Come on, go up on me", hell what's the point of being in a relationship if you can't look down at the other person. Those little delights are also cheaper due to their smaller stature; children's tickets at the movies, fewer drinks because of their already barely working liver. Shit if you're taking a flight out of Boston or New Jersey you can probably just sneak them on with your carry on (security probably won't check anyway). Knowing that you will always win an arguement is wonderful too because if that little bitch acts up I'll cunt-punt her across the room.

Yellow Fever

I think out of all the people across this rock we live on, the Chinese, Asian, Korean whatever the fuck they want to be called, have to be the dumbest looking race. Have a gander at a yellow man doing anything that doesn't include a calculator or sitting, and it almost seems as if their top row of teeth extends. Especially any one of them playing sports, its similar to watching a paraplegic rolling down an up escalator and just as funny. The women are no better considering that they start to grow fruit tumors out of their neck after the age of 30. I don't have the heart to tell those women how ridiculous they look exercising either, moving slower does not mean working out harder. I guess if I had to come home to the Asian man's little cheese doodle, I'd probably prolong any process that keeps me out of the house. I also don't feel we should really trust a race that always look like they're struggling to see something in the distance. I didn't write this just because I'm jealous of their video game hair, there's just too fucking many of them in Brooklyn.

Here's a picture of a dumb chink. Happy Jewlidays. I'm out.

Fertility Pop

Bear with me and bare it all for me, we're taking a small trip through time. Jazz starts up and parents warn their children to stay far away from it because they will turn into crazy homeless potheads. Then from another black guy comes Rock 'n' Roll (which white people then steal), parents then warn of everything from death to drug addiction to devil worshipping, etc., etc. Heads up, the blacks are up to it again...here comes rap. Never has a mother of a fat daughter been so scared before. Parents then decided rap would lead to a world of gangs and crack. Side note: Anyone notice the pattern of parents who lied and didn't support their children's dreams, but it's not they're fault, right? Back to my point, where are all the parents lying to their kids about becoming a pop star? Maybe warn them of the truth? Inform them that after 2 albums they will become extremely annoying, be forced to lie about sexual preference (yeah you Bieber) and be abused more than someone walking into a door that says pull. Perhaps the only good thing about being interested in pop is the fancy landscaping in the pant area, thanks pop.

Drink Up, Sit Down

Fine lets do this. S-H-O-T-S!!! SHOTS, SHOTS, SHOTS!!! I'm not saying it's smart to drink and drive, but I wouldn't discuss a person's termination unless they were a professional driver. D&D (sorry geeks not Dungeons and Dragons-but feel free to contact me if you prefer to roll a 20 sided die in order to figure out where I'll stick my Level 9 Love Staff) should inform you that the person is retarded, it should not determine their work performance. "He endangered the lives of two others in the car" Ooh yeah totally, those adults clearly could not make an adult decision and say "Hol up, nigga's drunk B.". It's like when everyone got mad at R. Kelly for giving a little girl some yellow discipline. I'm 100% positive that since I've been 2 years old I can say I don't want someone to pee on me and I think that same mentality can tell me not to get in a car with a drunk driver. Professional athletes and celebrities aren't children, they're grown up like the rest of us and, like the rest of us, if we had big bank we'd do whatever the fuck we want too. I do whatever I want by eating Hawaiian Punch ice cubes as a meal.

Yummy

Try and guess what I had for breakfast this morning.

Bitch Bitch Bitch

Holy shit?!?!?! I got so wrapped up in Obama and switching careers that I totally did not realize people were supporting government. What the fuck happened?!?!?!? I'm not sure about you,but, the cat from Red Shoe Diaries taught me to trust no one because aliens abducted his sister and the government covered it up. Really? Can most of America be behind a bunch of rich elderly white men who don't do their jobs and only stand up and fight for tax breaks that affect their income bracket? American government has never been on the poor people side. Remember when we kicked all the poor Indians out of their own country or had the country split down the middle due to the bottom redneck half (where a lot of government comes from) wanting to keep blacks as slaves? Can everyone please rise up against the rich? They think the recession is over and feel that the working people (my dumb readers) can get through life on under $20,000 a year. Fact: Making under $10,000 is considered poverty, so, if you make $11,000 they want you to keep your mouth shut and not complain over the ever raising prices of everything.

Ghosts 'n' Stuff

I'm not asking you to read this and have to make a decision on the belief of existence in any form of way after death..... just the belief of me existing after death. Trust me no one wants a ghost form of you, I couldn't stand you in real life I certainly don't want a version of you I can't destroy. I, however, plan on spying and playing pranks after I die (if I die, I'm not sure if I'm going to let that happen yet). Dealing with this ridiculous world might not be so bad if I can fuck with people for the rest of eternity. Look, everyone just watch out after I die, I'll saran wrap every entrance in your house and make sure all the windows are open when it rains. Remember you're never alone with ghost me, I'm always watching and listening, so say good bye to private conversations, sex and pooping...... because I'm there about to levitate something. You better not bring a priest by to take care of me either, I'm not afraid to possess you and ruin your chances at that promotion you were up for. Booooo motherfucker!!!

HHEEEYYY YYYOOOOOO!!!!!!

Everybody shut the fuck up. Stop fucking shouting incoherent things especially if you aren't drunk. Drunk.. eehhh... you kinda get a pass, but sober... no you're a loud attention seeker because no one cares about you. Especially lets stop yelling at women from a distance, it's embarrassing to men and a guarantee no woman is going to blow you. "Hey you!!! You look hot!!! Need a ride?!?!" Wow how is she not already waiting for you in your bed? Thank god she didn't trip taking her pants off for you in the middle of the street at 2 in the morning. Women are no better... "WHOOOOOO!!!!!!!!! I love a Carvel milkshakes!!! WHOOOOO!!!!" The avenue did not need to know that, if you're that excited about a milkshake become a hooker. At least you don't have to report your wages to the government. Can all these Neanderthals find another way to get attention please, I mean, you took a school picture at some point so your family knows you exist. Just be happy with that and fade into the background with the rest of the unintelligents. Oh this describes most of my fans, uhmmmm well don't say I never tried to tell you.

Extra! Extra! Read about nothing.

What the fuck happened to the news?!?! Where the fuck is it?!?! There is a million and one things going on in this world that are important to everyone, but all I keep hearing about is a meat dress worn by a woman I don't give a shit about. Forget all the scientific advances or the "still a big fucking issue" economic problems, please remind me how many kids Angelina Jolie has or if her hubby bought a new motorcycle. Why doesn't someone do a report about how the education system is so poor that elementary children have to bring in their own toilet paper and paper towels. That's like living in a second world. Is there a second world? I know the third world sucks, but... Oh and can we please stop asking celebrities their opinion of things poor people deal with? They're not poor and they clearly don't remember where they came from and can't relate. I think we can get a more logical opinion if we ask the Jeopardy contestants. The news shouldn't be handled like a guest list for an MTV get together. There's a lot of stories involving tragedy, hope and courage from around the world. Let's discuss that, instead of which Jersey Shore member will get AIDS first. Personally I hope it's Ronnie, he's the perfect example of how insignificant some people can be in life.

B...R...A...I...N...S

Why do people fear a zombie outbreak? You serious, I mean these creatures move at a baby crawl. (Geek note: I said zombies not humans infected by a rage virus. Then only the gamers will survive.) That's like being frightened of the slower moving Blob, hell, paraplegics move quicker than that. I've been more scared of a fat chick riding me and suddenly falling over. Which similar to a zombie attack is very slow with a lot of grunts, except much sweatier. Even a fat woman with diabetes could walk away from this without a scratch, but as with fat people when they see others enjoying a feast they must divulge. Surprisingly this could be the first worldwide tragedy that can be handled in the redneck way, which is a bottle of liquor, pack of cigarettes, shotgun and a porch. Just sit back and enjoy the fireworks. I'd probably go hunt down all the people I hate and hope they're infected just so I can blow their brains out. No dirty birdie, not that way, however most of the people I hate blew my brains out at some point. Shit even if they weren't infected I'd shoot them anyway and claim they grunted "Brains" at me. Nobody puts Kenny in a corner, and I'd totally shoot zombie Patrick Swayze just for shits and gigs.

I hate you... Kisses

Let's clear a few things up (in hindsight after re-reading this, just maybe one or two). If you don't like someone and you are mean to them, it's not fucking mean. Fuck them, you don't like them so who gives a shit. You hate a guy...fuck his chick; call immigration on his mother. That's just life and also very funny. And to justify it, sleep with some cats chick, you're really doing him a favor by letting him know she's a slut twat (it's totally the woman's fault in that situation. It would also be the man's fault if we vice-versa-ed it). Hating a woman is trickier, you have to get down to their level and play truthfu gossip girl. Say she found a hero on a clothespin snatch, well it's time to let everyone know. So be mean, get crazy, love to hate.

NY Basic Garbage

Where have all the cartoons gone? Do doo da do doo da (I know I do an awesome Paula Cole). I'd like to believe that if a family is almost destitute they would not have money to splurge on cable for the kids. Basic TV in NY has no children's programs on weekday mornings and decides to broadcast infomercials and Jesus misery on weekends. Am I the only one who thinks this would fuck up a kid who's parents are working and grandma watches them. After seeing the same weather and traffic report every ten minutes, that kid is going to kill a cat, then grandma. Hearing Jesus bullshit all Sunday morning without being in church or being catholic is shockingly wrong for the little Mexican or spic at home.(Others can afford cable not my fault.) I promise that your child watching all the NuWave or SilverBullet commercials will not create another Billy Mayes, you'll end up with your kid being a retard embarrassment in a question mark Suit explaining how he can get us money from the gov't. Not all tv is educational but your child will probably learn more from a shotgun blast to a cartoon rabbit's head then Fox claiming everyone is a terrorist. They said Obama was Muslim you really want your kids watching that.

I love my kitty

Most of us pray for the life of a cat, but being an unemployed writer I'm not far off. We eat when we want, sleep during the days and play all night. My little pussy may be the only one I know that's a picky eater (even after she's lapped up some spilled liquor) which is odd for any pussy. The only difference is that if you annoy me I won't piss on your favorite shit... oh no... wait... I have done that. Don't touch the tummy she doesn't like it and neither do pregos (they don't). I think my cat may be a little retarded because she can't catch flies. Well catching isn't the problem, its that they move too fast for her so after a few seconds she's left looking confused like a transgender at a public restroom. I also don't run for no reason, I might have been known to stride on occasion but that's strictly in a whimsical manner. The main similarity is...don't pester us because we'll just fucking leave. Our lives have no time for your bullshit.

3-D sounds like a raping

Is everybody fucking high getting all jazzed up about a failed technology from the 70's and 80's? I don't know about you, but for my whole life I have viewed a three dimensional world filled with three dimensional items in it..... I know... fucking wild. For kids under 8, yeah, I can see this as being awesome having your favorite characters leap off the screen at you. But for me, I'd rather pop a few caps to add some reality to it. Also, I wear glasses (not recreationally), I certainly do not want to be forced to wear something over my already existing glasses that clearly doesn't fit. Something that doesn't sit well with me either (like a fatty in a movie seat) is the shear embarrassment one feels for watching something in 3-D all alone and having someone catch you in the act. You slowly turn to look at them with those stupid fucking glasses on and a dumb Jughead smile on your dumb fucking face. Yuck, you can keep 3-D, wake me up when you figure out 4-D.

Hop the border

Ok, I think it is fun, but a "cross the border" theme park in Mexico is a little
outrageous. No, not Taco Bell, I don't even think they have those in Mexico. It's a literal amusement park where one of the rides is a simulation of you being an illegal immigrant crossing the border. Look, I would love to try it but I'm America and I don't want to sink into a third world country like..... uhm...... all the rest. It is clearly a training ground and I'm almost positive if there was other shit like this we would stop it. Like if there was a theme park in Germany where you break into a house and round up some Jews, people would disagree with it. Maybe a water slide down debris of the World Trade Center would be entertaining while a flight simulator let's you fly directly into the building. This is dragging, either way Mexicans are fucking tiny and we can just overtake them and stop this. Open the park in America though, I want to do it.

It's not reality, it's garbage

Still not tired of all these ridiculous reality shows polluting your brain like a BP oil spill? (BP... Brain Power, get it? No? Figures.) MTV has really proved to us that being a complete fuck up in life will more than likely make you rich and famous for about 2-3 years. After that it's off to VH1 where we learn everyone who thinks they had a career can show how desperate the need for camera time is. I don't mind if we keep a few of them around, I do enjoy laughing at people. Maybe if we stopped marketing them as "Reality" I wouldn't mind it so much. Maybe make shows based on reality like "Nose Candy" where two random strangers split an 8-ball and waste the evening in a bathroom talking nonsense at lightning speeds. Or maybe we can make a show where these "reality" stars aren't surrounded by network security. So, instead of being allowed to mouth off...a black guy can pop them in the mouth. I assume black because everyone else just sits around afraid to do something about an annoying asshole. Thanks hypothetical black guy.

Life Audible

So wait..... you worshipped a false God most of your life and now you're going to change it up and that's cool?!?! I'm not going to say believing in God is crazy (it is a tad), but the theory of throwing your God around, giggling, like it's a religious hot potato; certainly is. Don't all religions view idolizing false deities in the same fashion? I'm pretty sure it's frowned upon and if you've been Jewish most of your life that frown you developed is permanent. Why doesn't everyone just pick Catholicism or Christianity? They fucking forgive everything including the parish of the community weekly baptizing your child with his Power of Christ. Shit, you can rape and kill in Jesus' eyes and it's fine as long as you ask for forgiveness, that's an awesome idea to raise your kids on. Might as well switch to Buddhism, at least they really don't believe we exist let alone a God. They also have the fattest image of worship that's praised by the thinnest worshippers, which is iconically ironic (you're welcome). The other religion I wouldn't switch to is the one I'm not allowed to talk about, not out of fear of getting a bomb threat, anthrax, or receiving incorrect change at the corner store. It's due to people so uneducated about the subject that they misinterpret anything said about it. Judging by the fact that "I" have a tiny following of readers, this will definitely fall under uneducated eyes.

Writer's Block

.

Hot Ass

Shit it was a hot summer in NY. I really don't understand how a Jewish or Arab person can live here. Why dress up like a gay penguin or Tuscan raider when it's over 100 degrees? Most Jewish men are fat too. Maybe they're hoping the heat will cause a severe heat stroke so they can escape their wife and 20 kids (a Mexican litter). It seems a little ridiculous to believe in a God that expects you to suffer like that, you have clearly picked the wrong religion. See, life is easier for me since I don't believe in God, shit, I don't even follow the dress code when I have a job. Don't most Gods wear robes and sandals? That seems like reasonable summer attire. How could any religion get that wardrobe hint wrong? You should worship the ancient Greek Gods of love for the summer. I'd rather sweat from fucking in an air-conditioned room then from being outside with the Jawas. Just in case he/she is reading.... Fuck God.

Bottle Crap

Am I the only person who thinks they have made bottle caps sharper? It's embarrassing enough struggling to open a simple bottle of soda, but getting a skin graft on my finger is not pleasant. Maybe if medicine bottles were this sharp, little children wouldn't be drug addicts by 12 (hi mom). A little old 2 liter should open easily with a grip of the hand then flick of the wrist, like distancing a cum shot. I'd probably complain about the difficulty of opening cracker packs successfully...but my finger is bleeding.

Oh Em Gee

Can everyone please stop using abbreviations in replacement of actual words. Maybe if the time was taken to write the words laugh out loud you would realize how retarded that sounds. No one "laughs out loud" while staring at their phone that much and if they do, they are definitely retarded. "Oh my god" that many people don't even believe in god, stop writing it. I have never heard someone tell me they were "rolling on the floor laughing" and that abbreviated is drunk. If something has to be shortened to make it better... I have a list of names.

We have to go back....... to the supermarket

You get it because his name was Marty and you like shop at a mart... whatever. I fucking love shopping, well except when I'm alone. The main problem with shopping alone is not having anyone to share a funny with which usually results in an embarrassing snort. Especially during the day when you stagger through a geriatric convention hitting whopping speeds of underwater snail proportions. In space no one can hear you scream and a elderly person on line cannot hear themselves passing gas (I call them mummy stinks). There's the odd soccer mom who sounds like they're from Boston who must discuss the tabloids covers aloud. Yeah that sounds like it would be a wicked article you twat. Or the man in 60's, tanned and dressed like a Miami Vice throwback on the prowl for ass and a ripe cantaloupe. At least that guy dresses up, what the fuck is wrong with people that go shopping in their shit stained pants and a piece of chicken on their dumb holey shirt? I have to shop there I don't want dirty pieces of shit touching everything I might have considered buying. They really ruin my aisle perusal. I think all shelves should have sneeze guards because most people (cough... foreigners...cough...chinks and russians...cough) have no fucking manners. I wish the butch gay couples who go shopping late on Fridays and Saturdays should rise up this unfashionable unmannered nightmares. Yeah we know when you go shopping, we know you're out there, we're straight not dumb.

Fucking drugs

Thank whatever science or religion figures out is right at the end, that pot is socially acceptable. I don't really know what I would do without it, this world is so low I need to be high. The world is just so depressing I don't see how anyone can tell me I'm not allowed to escape for a bit. Maybe i want my piece of ice cream cake to taste that much better or maybe I just want to lose myself in Ghoul-a-Gogo (Saturdays on BCAT). Though I have seen the side-effects of people being burnt and having shit for memory, but fuck them it's not my fault they couldn't handle a healthy drug diet. I'm not saying all drugs are good, please don't do heroin unless you want to die or write a book. Coke is only fun if you have money and ideally is a great way to lose weight while talking to stranger in a bathroom. I won't bad mouth any hallucinogenic because if you can't handle mushrooms I hope this 3-D fad doesn't catch on because you're fucked. Drugs are fun, so is liquor and you can't put an age or limit on fun. I had to post a warning so please don't slip anyone drugs unless it's really funny.