Life Audible

So wait..... you worshipped a false God most of your life and now you're going to change it up and that's cool?!?! I'm not going to say believing in God is crazy (it is a tad), but the theory of throwing your God around, giggling, like it's a religious hot potato; certainly is. Don't all religions view idolizing false deities in the same fashion? I'm pretty sure it's frowned upon and if you've been Jewish most of your life that frown you developed is permanent. Why doesn't everyone just pick Catholicism or Christianity? They fucking forgive everything including the parish of the community weekly baptizing your child with his Power of Christ. Shit, you can rape and kill in Jesus' eyes and it's fine as long as you ask for forgiveness, that's an awesome idea to raise your kids on. Might as well switch to Buddhism, at least they really don't believe we exist let alone a God. They also have the fattest image of worship that's praised by the thinnest worshippers, which is iconically ironic (you're welcome). The other religion I wouldn't switch to is the one I'm not allowed to talk about, not out of fear of getting a bomb threat, anthrax, or receiving incorrect change at the corner store. It's due to people so uneducated about the subject that they misinterpret anything said about it. Judging by the fact that "I" have a tiny following of readers, this will definitely fall under uneducated eyes.

Writer's Block

.

Hot Ass

Shit it was a hot summer in NY. I really don't understand how a Jewish or Arab person can live here. Why dress up like a gay penguin or Tuscan raider when it's over 100 degrees? Most Jewish men are fat too. Maybe they're hoping the heat will cause a severe heat stroke so they can escape their wife and 20 kids (a Mexican litter). It seems a little ridiculous to believe in a God that expects you to suffer like that, you have clearly picked the wrong religion. See, life is easier for me since I don't believe in God, shit, I don't even follow the dress code when I have a job. Don't most Gods wear robes and sandals? That seems like reasonable summer attire. How could any religion get that wardrobe hint wrong? You should worship the ancient Greek Gods of love for the summer. I'd rather sweat from fucking in an air-conditioned room then from being outside with the Jawas. Just in case he/she is reading.... Fuck God.

Bottle Crap

Am I the only person who thinks they have made bottle caps sharper? It's embarrassing enough struggling to open a simple bottle of soda, but getting a skin graft on my finger is not pleasant. Maybe if medicine bottles were this sharp, little children wouldn't be drug addicts by 12 (hi mom). A little old 2 liter should open easily with a grip of the hand then flick of the wrist, like distancing a cum shot. I'd probably complain about the difficulty of opening cracker packs successfully...but my finger is bleeding.

Oh Em Gee

Can everyone please stop using abbreviations in replacement of actual words. Maybe if the time was taken to write the words laugh out loud you would realize how retarded that sounds. No one "laughs out loud" while staring at their phone that much and if they do, they are definitely retarded. "Oh my god" that many people don't even believe in god, stop writing it. I have never heard someone tell me they were "rolling on the floor laughing" and that abbreviated is drunk. If something has to be shortened to make it better... I have a list of names.

We have to go back....... to the supermarket

You get it because his name was Marty and you like shop at a mart... whatever. I fucking love shopping, well except when I'm alone. The main problem with shopping alone is not having anyone to share a funny with which usually results in an embarrassing snort. Especially during the day when you stagger through a geriatric convention hitting whopping speeds of underwater snail proportions. In space no one can hear you scream and a elderly person on line cannot hear themselves passing gas (I call them mummy stinks). There's the odd soccer mom who sounds like they're from Boston who must discuss the tabloids covers aloud. Yeah that sounds like it would be a wicked article you twat. Or the man in 60's, tanned and dressed like a Miami Vice throwback on the prowl for ass and a ripe cantaloupe. At least that guy dresses up, what the fuck is wrong with people that go shopping in their shit stained pants and a piece of chicken on their dumb holey shirt? I have to shop there I don't want dirty pieces of shit touching everything I might have considered buying. They really ruin my aisle perusal. I think all shelves should have sneeze guards because most people (cough... foreigners...cough...chinks and russians...cough) have no fucking manners. I wish the butch gay couples who go shopping late on Fridays and Saturdays should rise up this unfashionable unmannered nightmares. Yeah we know when you go shopping, we know you're out there, we're straight not dumb.

Fucking drugs

Thank whatever science or religion figures out is right at the end, that pot is socially acceptable. I don't really know what I would do without it, this world is so low I need to be high. The world is just so depressing I don't see how anyone can tell me I'm not allowed to escape for a bit. Maybe i want my piece of ice cream cake to taste that much better or maybe I just want to lose myself in Ghoul-a-Gogo (Saturdays on BCAT). Though I have seen the side-effects of people being burnt and having shit for memory, but fuck them it's not my fault they couldn't handle a healthy drug diet. I'm not saying all drugs are good, please don't do heroin unless you want to die or write a book. Coke is only fun if you have money and ideally is a great way to lose weight while talking to stranger in a bathroom. I won't bad mouth any hallucinogenic because if you can't handle mushrooms I hope this 3-D fad doesn't catch on because you're fucked. Drugs are fun, so is liquor and you can't put an age or limit on fun. I had to post a warning so please don't slip anyone drugs unless it's really funny.

Ants or aunts I don't care

You know what's fun about a relationship, when two people have known each other and start to tell each other everything. You know like the moronic shit, the pointless shit, etc., etc. That's awesome... not when I just met you. Fuck would I care about how cute your nephew is I don't even know your name. Keep conversation relevant to the fact that I'm trying to see if you have a brain when I meet you. I know controlling conversation format dwindles after alcohol and narcotics enter the body, but please understand if we weren't already involved in a private or group conversation then don't start one off about your family or some other dumb shit I could care less about. I lie in the title because to be honest if a woman started talking to me about ants I would totally listen. Why? Well at least it's an original conversation and if she is weird and intelligent (which is ideal) then she definitely is fun in bed. Always remember nerds and geeks are usually best in bed they have had a lot time to practice and are open to anything. Ever have a woman preform Chinese water torture on your penis? I love you nerd girls.

Yummy Money

Did someone forget to tell the rich people that we're in an economic recession? Darrelle Revis refuses to play football until he is paid more money?! If I had a job ( you can keep it) and I pulled some shit like that I would be fired. I mean Dr. Rosenberg (or whatever Jewwy name doctors go by) isn't allowed to negotiate his pay while a child with brain cancer is waiting on the operating table. Sidenote: I do feel bad for women who have to deal with chemo, because a bald women has no choice but to become a lesbian. Someone has to stop these rich people, just fucking fire all of them. I'm pretty sure there are an assload of unemployed people willing to do these jobs for much less and with a lot more heart. Don't make the mistake and think I want these jobs, I don't want to live in a 9-5 world despite how good Dolly Parton makes it seem. I enjoy being slightly poor because the greatest thing about a recession when your poor is that it doesn't fucking matter you're already poor.

The Ex-effect

I grew up with Pluto being a planet..... it's not. I grew up with the Triceratops being a dinosaur..... it's not. This is fucking bullshit, I fail to see how anything is fact if we can just change it when we finally decide "Oh sorry I was wrong". What's the point of believing in anything if there's always the chance of "oops". What do we do when we're told red in actuality is yellow, who the hell ever heard of a red chink or yellow Indian? You can't treat a "fact" like an ex. Pluto is not the fat chick who you dated briefly who was really nice but so fat you claim to have never taken a voyage to heranus. Heranus yeah I said it. The triceratops is dinosaur don't make it an abortion (they get easier to forget after a few ask Mexico). We can't have fact if we treat it like something we used to sleep with. However in defense of fact I never slept with a dinosaur but visiting a foreign planet is always fun.

The New Bored

On a lucky night in a dark room, Chatroulette.com can whisk you to the time of Caligula. Uhmmmm but 95% of the time it feels like I'm watching myself jerkoff in front of a funhouse mirror. It is a learning experience though, I truly didn't know that many men had umbrella handles. Also that a group of fourteen years olds is a gaggle and gaggles are up at 2 in the morning on the prowl of curiosity. I'm not sure what really is wrong with me but the appeal of a little girl screaming "Show me your dick!!!" is gone (probably the fear of getting raped in prison). Sorry I got sidetracked, there's a lot of fucking dick on webcam waiting for you to hit "next". I mean there are some women having what I would call a fun time, but that's 2% of the whole site and of that 2%, 1% of them are fat. I'm all for loving your body and not being embarrassed, but for both sexes if you have to lift your stomach to flash your dick or pussy then you should have kept your shirt on. Despite all the dick i have to sit through I'm addicted to voyeurism and thank you to everyone on chatroulette.com that's performing bits and doing random funny shit. Fair warning if I know you and see on the site then I'm sorry I thought you wanted to see my dick.

I'm not a rapist

Last night while not being able to sleep, I decided to make a list of my good qualities. Now I feel like not being a rapist is a good quality that should be mentioned a lot more often. Everyone usually characterizes themselves with the same dreary bullshit "I'm nice, uh I like pizza", fuck it. Let's cut the bullshit and get to the serious things you need to know like the fact that I'm not a rapist. Once upon a time a woman punched me in the nose with a fist of coke then demanded I remove my shirt, maybe if she would have told me she wasn't a rapist I wouldn't have been so worried. She was a frightening alcoholic of a beast woman, but in the end she just wanted to put a wet towel around my neck to help simmer me down. I still don't know why my shirt had to come off but that fear of old lady rape was awful and could have been easily avoided. Yeah hahaha I"m aware a made a list and only have marked on not being a rapist, that's probably my only good quality. Well......it is. Tell your friends.

You're dumb

It's certainly not my fault you're brain capacity can only handle focusing on the tragedy that Mason will grow up to be like Scott. Just because I can do math in my head instead of writing down pointless dribbling and questions that you don't understand anyway, does that make me smarter than you? Sorry just face reality that you don't care enough about the things that interest you... Yes math interests me but it's not like I chose that to be my mutant ability, Math Man ironically hits criminals in the face with Pi, doesn't exactly guarantee me breakfast with a healthy serving of head. Maybe if everyone didn't just brush off everything they experience they would learn something, maybe pick up a book instead of watching 16 and Pregnant. Don't get me wrong I love retarded things (I'd bring Snooki home), but I can also explain how a neuron star is created. I guess I just wish everyone didn't have to be dumb, I mean why can't we go back to hiring a village idiot so maybe the we can evolve a little. Oh sorry for most of the readers here's the translation for of the posting for you. "Agh blob ib gaga e boobsly boob" sorry if that's a little off it's my first time writing at your intelligence level.

Fagot Foreigner

Ok let's make this clear fagot does not mean gay, it means your a sexual retard or whatever I feel like it means.. Retard means retard, what are you going to do. Look who really cares what a word means since 75% of people living in America don't speak english and the ones that do are so fucking uneducated that you must use vocabulary all containing 5 letter words or less. Don't say chink, spic, nigga, fag, ass spelunker, jiggaboo, sand monkey, diaperhead, etc., etc. Well what else can I do, I'm partially colorblind I can't identify people by color I might get it wrong and have to hear a speech on how I'm a racist because I don't know a stranger's history and background. I guess I could check the files at Ellis Island to see who's who, but I would still get all the mexicans, cubans and spics wrong, because by land, air or sea........their illegal. But everyone is an illegal immigrant really and who wouldn't want to be. I'll give $100 too anyone who can find me an english speaking russian over 40 without gold or silver teeth..... and not drunk or scheming someone. Maybe everyone should get over their hook-ups and comes to terms with the fact we might as well all be American because honestly every race and nationality sucks. Everybody fucks up why can't we all just agree to fuck up together and when shit hits the fan blame the foreign guy who speaks the least amount of english because he's a fag. By the way my favorite racial slur is Moon Cricket it sounds adorable.

That's what I have friends for

Shut the fuck up please, you know nothing about me, I didn't ask for your advice nor do I consider you worth listening to. There's a fine line between acquaintance and friend I don't care how many times I've seen you. Why does everyone who's not your friend have a degree in psychology and has walked the same exact life path because "I know what you mean". Where have these people been. I could have had a much safer and un-entertaining life if I would have just had a an asshole acquaintance like you holding my hand. I don't understand why everyone has to give their advice and opinion about the past, because after this conversation I'm totally hopping in my Delorium and gunning it to 85 to give it another go. Or when not seeing one of these shits for awhile (I wonder why) they have the urge to bring up all the awfulness from that time period to see "how you holding up?" Yeah it's been a long time I definitely want to open these wounds again, what was I thinking pushing these things into the closet like a gay child. Make sure not to be honest either and tell these people you prefer them to be dead, because being honest is mean and your ears and mentality should suffer so their feelings aren't hurt. Please if I don't look excited to see you. I'm not. Let's keep it at hi and bye, preferably bye.

Mass Transit Suckfest

Oh my the NYC subway system, like a moving snake monument dedicated to all the sleepy Mexicans and rude chinks. Granted a Mexican in a fetal position takes up only one seat, but you still have to deal with the risk of him having a dream of crossing the border which results in his little feet kicking you. As for the chinks..... fuck..... wow....... you really don't see all these people exiting the train? Must you yell to the other zipperhead on the other side of the car? Train Stations and platforms do not disappear there is absolutely no reason every Chinese person must shove you and push you out of the car before they are stuck on the scary chink eating train that might devour their soul and force them to lose face. Don't fucking touch me either when I'm holding the pole, get your fucking yellow pinky off my beige thumb and please Ms. just because you have a huge bag of oranges and Chinese food doesn't mean you are allowed to relax with the pole placed firmly between both your ass cheeks. I think the only fun time on a train is when you walk into a train car and are suddenly transported inside a gypsy caravan or sometimes it's a front row seat at Showtime At The Apollo. Also a train car does not give you freedom to speak on your phone as if you are completely alone, I certainly don't care that Jermaine couldn't cash his welfare check and now you and Tracey have to sell your kids because you need them applebottom jeans and the boots with the furs. Everyone should be given a private booth when riding the subway, I'm sorry but no I don't want to get sandwiched in between the Spanish crackhead lady and the Chinese woman with the humongous neck tumor. I'd by a car but then how would I get home when intoxicated. Also I know I didn't complain about the whites because how can something bother you on the train when it has it's back is always turned to you especially in time of an emergency.

Shut The Fuck Up

Since when is a person being quiet a sign of indifference? I know for a fact that I'm quiet when I don't want to talk to a person. Maybe you're just a fucking asshole that's why people are quiet, it's not them. Time to take out your yoga mat and do some serous blue collar soul searching to find the answer within yourself, which is that your the indifferent and all your convo-starting questions are like annoying gnats destroying my wonderful first warm day of the summer solstice. Wow I don't say much and you totally are picking up on my type of character, shit, I really thought I was hiding it well. Can you sense my disappointment that I had to meet you? Don't you have friends of your own that might share a common interest with you instead of prying me open looking for Nazi gold (trust me I've had plenty of conversations with myself and ounce you get the lock open to the vault you'll curse Al Capone.) Please go return to the original pack of mongrels so the woman next to me and I can have a great big funny over you and your amazing social skills that completely shadow my quiet existence. Sidenote why do men always have to speak to me? The straight ones really creep me out because I never knew I had that "Hey Buddy" look that would make you seek my attention. Please don't force a conversation on anyone, think of it as uncomfortable verbal dry-humping and if you want to rent out my ears at least buy me a drink you crowl.

The New Bat Wing

Ok terrific, just when I thought unnecessary paranoia couldn't get any worse, now enters the bat dick. My worst fear used to be opening a random door and finding a shirtless man in clown make-up ready to rape me, but this new fear spills into the street. I used to pride myself on not flinching if some hooligan was to yell "Bat!!!" (I also live in Brooklyn which makes that shout an automatic fib, unless I'm high, then decisions are subject to change with no liability held against management), but the second guess has flown in because I don't want to get fucked in the face. How can I walk the streets at night when it's cloudy with a chance of bat rape? I've gone through my whole life avoiding dicks entering my mouth, nose or ears, I certainly will not have that streak done in by a horny bat who's gaydar is off just because I happen to be wearing a flannel shirt. Yes I know bats are blind and use sonar, save the retard comments guy who can't lose himself in the joke. On a side note where are the bats going for their circumcisions, do they bite it off like an old-tyme Rabbi? I'm off to live in my delusion filled existence I hope this "Rape Kenny Conspiracy Theory" doesn't have something to do with Stephanie Meyer..

Mullets Can Hide Red Necks

Aaahhh the life of a redneck, I can almost smell the butane and unwashed white people. They really don't have it bad, I would love to spend my life not working, drinking and sleeping with the barely legal neighbor. Can't wait until I can grow my hair and stomach grow out while finally being granted the freedom to used the "Dang heck y'all" vocabulary. Sitting in the trailer yard with a majority of the women looking like Gilbert Grape's mother featuring less clothes. Arguing with your brother/cousin/father/mayor about "Hey grandag who's got the longest beard here heck darn now?!" Wow the endless possibilities, I bet I could even find out what's so funny about farts. I'd much prefer to break a bottle of moonshine over a copper's head instead of the same old boring bottle of liquor. There's even the chance of becoming a famous musician if I learn how to hate any color of race that doesn't have a wife beater tan line on their chest... and gay people. Sorry just gay men it seems rednecks and homophobes don't count lesbians as gay because two women who hate cock is a total turn on for a real hetero. What sucks is being white (I prefer to be called beige) and over 5 foot nothing only allows me to choose the redneck life, even though I'd rather go Mexican they look like they have sex likes Jews. Did I forget anyone else I could possibly offend?

Of Course You're Overweight

"Does this make me look fat?" Yes and so does your gelatinous cube body. I wonder if maybe there weren't so many shows about cake you wouldn't be in this position, possibly it's because you have the uncanny ability to finish all your sentences with "Ya gonna finish that?". Your not fat if you embrace it and accept yourself (well in other's eyes you still are). There's nothing worse then a tubazaurus that finds the need to complain about their weight as if we all aren't aware of the problem. Maybe if you could vomit your earlier three lunches, like you do with excuses for the reasons you can't shake the weight you might be on the right track. Though I fully understand if the excuse is you won't attend the gym. I refuse to exercise at a gym, due to not wanting to spend my money to go get sweaty and screamy with a bunch of other men complimenting my penis in the shower after a "workout". The compliments are welcome, but that guido juicehead voice just totally kills the mood. Also working out with people in much better shape than you is as embarrassing as having your mother teach a class of proper condom use. Please I just ask any women overweight stop complaining and accept who you are trust me there's always a chance of love, sex and marriage, as long as there are black men.