I hate Christmas

You're welcome.

Movie reviews coming soon. No they will not be good films, despite your shitty opinion. No I will not be charging for this time and brain cell saving feature. No I don't give a fuck what you think and don't even know why I'm telling you my plans. No I have not been taking a self help class that teaches me to say no to those beneath me. No I'm serious. I actually just want my dyslexic readers to think I'm on.

Turkey Day

Hope everyone enjoyed their holiday. My toilet didn't.

On the case

I found an exclusive pic of Jerry Sandusky in his earlier days, undercover as America's original favorite molester Ronald MacDonald. Yes I know that's not Jerry "Horsey" Sandusky, calm down assey. Jerry's not smart enough to just strap a food tray to his lap like good old Ronnie. Whether they're eating, praying or now learning it seems your child's ass is in danger. It's cool though, at least we were able to get rid of those stinky Occupy Wall Street protesters. Go America.

8/10 lungs approve

If this Tex Williams song sounds familiar, well it is. The verses have been altered and chorus removed, so McDonald's can let you know that "joy is a gift, this is the box it comes in". Which is how I feel about cigarettes, hah, that's fun.

Trick or treat is really an opinion.

I was going to make a "priceless" joke out of this, but the therapy you'll need after exiting this van can be quite expensive.

Billy Mays HERE!!!

Living (actually dead) proof that at some point... everyone is coked up at a drive through. Yes I despise the "word" thru, but that's a personal problem and I'm not working on it.

Born this way

If only the Cobain's would have noticed the warning signs, we wouldn't have to blame this on bullies. Though I'd shoot myself too, if no one could understand I have a stomachache and I continuously shit and pissed myself.

There goes the neighborhood

I'm not sure where to start, but the conclusion is me doing a Norman Bates mom stare at my landlord at about 6 in the morning (That's A.M. for anyone confused). Ok I'll start with the noises. It begins at about 4 A.M. with the clearing of an over 70 year old man's throat and thus followed by the almost rocket propulsion like clearing of his sinus'. In steps the garage opening and then what can only be described as what sounds like the Trench Coat Mafia producing pipe bombs. That lasts for a half hour until his (as equally old) wife busts in the backyard to begin an argument containing words half of Italian decent and half of American. Due to his name (which I won't say, but if you're not retarded you can figure it out) it takes me at least 5 minutes to stop singing about an Italian Christmas donkey. I cant make out what they fight over because his broken English is now broke and he just sounds like he's trying to sell her beans. Eventually they stop arguing at about 5 or so, which brings back all the wonderful noises of a man and a garage. "But Ken, I thought you said this ends with you angrily staring out a window?" first off don't call me Ken I don't know you, second you just ruined the 5-6 A.M. part of my story. I hope your satisfied with yourself.

Human Me

I figure this is the best way to get attention for Human Centipede. Despite the fact that this was a sexual fantasy I had at age 6.....cough.....hmmmph......cough...I'm not a psycho killer. Though I always wondered why my bed would light up in flames whenever I was tired.

Rick A Dick Dick

In case you're wondering, this is the one of the funniest scenes from Tom Goes To Mayor. Watch it repeatedly learn the song and choreography. Impress your friends.

Happy B-Jay

1. So I blow the candle and make a wish?
2. I'm not explaining why she's racist.
3. Teaching starts at the home.
4. I assume this isn't her first rodeo.
5. Judging from the amount of candles, I don't even think it's her birthday.
6. Didn't I see this in Eyes Wide Shut?
7. No one ever invited this woman to any of my parties.

Uck

I coughed up some blood and thought it resembled two lil birds in flight. Ucky for you, huh?

The Clapping

I've noticed a problem with my daily functioning of life. I believe...that I...have developed...Old People Clap Syndrome. No dirties, I don't mean fucking old people and getting the clap (but that really resides in your opinion of old). I have what I will now explain with a brief description.
Old People Clap Syndrome:
To be a person of elderly age, whom at the moment of hearing a sound with a good beat or groove starts gently rocking back and forth slightly, whilst being accompanied by your arms bent inward at an obtuse angle within the spread knee area, quietly clapping, alternating hands between the north and south positions.

More apples and oranges

When will the world follow suit?

This is the look of being sincere.

Buster Keaton

Educate yourselves. I'm not your fucking moms yo.

Apples & Oranges

Peaceful yawning.

Finally, comfort for my favorite sleeping position and a perfect excuse for why you have to leave after I cum. I love this bed since it's a widely known fact that when I sleep, I line breakable objects around me in bed to teach myself not to move during sleep (desired achievement: The Dead Look) I know, I know, "But Kenny you always have that dead look". Well that's because people are talking and my headphones broke, so I can't block the idiotic sound waves that come out of your mouth with my iPod. (I do hate people) The only drawback to the bed is meeting someone else who owns one. With my luck they would be a spooner and want to push the mattresses together i.e. the 1930's. Which might be cute, until my arm falls a sleep.

The shadow knows

No, I'm not going to make funnies upon his hair. No, not because I usually have a mohawk (however I thought that only happened to Marilyn Monroe's dress.). My concern here is for what will most likely turn out to be the person who took this picture, I'm referring to the Boogeyman. If you don't see it then you're wasting your time, however if you do see it...you're wasting your time. I really got nothing here, actually I just wanted to point out this Boogeyman sighting I noticed. ...Yep yep yep yep.

Haha...peepers

Ok I think I have things somewhat functioning again. So throughout today try and remember...I'm watching you and when I'm not ghosts are. So start wearing make-up at home ladies.

I fucked my laptop.

Now working off my phone for this until I replace my laptop. Do not expect me to care anymore than I did or take this serious.

It finally happened.

1. "Good for you, hmmmm? Does it feel."
2. On Halloween they goes as the old Chinese woman who goes through your recycling.
3. Get over it I'm a nerd a can make fun of Star Wars too.
4. This scene inspired Asian mothers everywhere.
5. Luke looks like this just got a little too personal.
6. "Tip 20 dollars you will... yes happy ending see I do."
7. That's the worst parachute ever.
8. Dagobah... where lovers can escape the Empire.
9. "Yoda get your staff off my back!!! Get it off now!!!"

Blah Monday

You dig this.

How many of you, have fucked to this song? I automatically assume you haven't...get on that. Yeah...get on that. Get on it. Go...Now.




Well!?!? Go!!!

No snow....no problem.

1. He has to hold on to keep that head balanced.
2. I'm sure he wrote his name it kinda looks like a house and tree.
3. Judging by his race, he doesn't need to cover it to hide his penis.
4. Must be practice for one of their game shows.
5. This is why Casey Anthony did it. Oh, I mean she didn't.
6. I can't tell if he's squinting.
7. I'm sorry I can't stop staring at the huge fucking head.(He'll never hear that in his twenties.)
8. I wonder if he falls whenever he looks down.

Relax

It's still a holiday week.

This shit is going down!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

They break records, ribs and 2 dollar bills.

Bob Ross

To make sure you always remember who this is, pretend his birthday is 9/11.

Nuff said

Yes I've been watching a lot of shit on Youtube lately.

Make Monday more gooder

Listen to more Hard n Phirm.

The Animal Kingdom Come

Ok ok here's a little back story so i don't seem as lonely, depressed, insane, etc., etc.(dark lonely thoughts like gothic high school kids). So I'm talking to my cat and I let her know "If you keep acting with this laxadaisy attitude and anti-social behavior, heaven will not accept you and cast you down floating on your back for eternity!". I yelled a little, yeah(I apologized) and bee tee double u she hates being upside down. Odd thing is I don't believe in God, but yet I believe in her afterlife. Maybe my belief that no one human is innocent or that I'd rather believe in a fat cat wearing robes, sandals on only the back paws, lounging on his back within a bed made of clouds and with a food and water bowl for the eyes to see. Yummm that screams adorable which is what my little princess deserves. Bye bye masculinity.

Falling Down

In case you haven't seen this film in a while or are just a fucking waste and have never seen this, then do yourself a favor and watch Falling Down. Also after you are satisfied with your viewing pleasure, please feel free to re-enact any of the scenes. Preferably spray painting stick figures between breasts and question the prices at your local convenient store.

Imma bout to go H.A.M.

1. I can't believe we have the same shirt.
2. Got my mind on my creamsicle and my creamsicle on my mind.
3. Louie Anderson was so gangsta back in the day.
4. I can't tell if he's Chinese or not.
5. Gollum always hated the stupid fat hobbit.
6. I think he has a tummy ache.
7. California Roll Love.
8. The back of his knees feel like a Russian bath house.

Happy Monday

Listen to more Flying Lotus.

Long live Ignatz Mouse!!! Down with Krazy Kat!!!

Twats

1. So Kenny, why don't you take most women seriously again?
2. Finally a place to put my drink.
3. Linda Blair must be proud.
4. They look like they fell while running extremely fast.
5. Do me crab style.
6. I think the one on the left is being weighed down by her teeth.
7. If you put your ear to their vaginas you can hear the ocean.
8. Cirque De Soleil Gone Wild
9. Thank you yoga.

Insight

I think one of my biggest fears is that God might be real. Not due to the life I live that goes against all of God's religions, but when he reaches out to warn us of impending doom, no one will believe whoever he speaks to. Nothing sounds more dickulous than a person screaming about how they have spoken with God and there's trouble a brewing. The most common thing to do is ignore the stranger and if it's someone you know, you should proceed to stop talking and avoid them(trust me most of the people you know should be avoided, including yourself). Let's face it, no one would bat an eye at a Godly warning unless Twitter verified God's account or God had a trendy Facebook page with a more than socially acceptable amount of friends. Hearing the "Voice" is about as creditable as aliens, bigfoot, ghosts and a once again attractive Christina Aguilera, however there are more books and TV series' claiming them to be real than the almighty one. All I know is that the last thing I want to put my faith into is humanity listening to and trusting one another, it's a tad easier to believe in God.

Wrassling

1. Did you see me cumming?
2. Eye-Ball
3. Never hanging out with Andy Dick again.
4. Doesn't count unless the shoulders are down.
5. Jake The Snake will try anything these days.
6. I bet they wrestle to Elton John's "Can You Feel The Love Tonight?".
7. That's a cock block.
8. Notice what a gentlemen he is and supports the neck.
9. Not what I had in mind when I said "Get your head into it".
10. Is that a Teddy Bear face on his earmuffs.
11. Charlie Sheen will snort coke off anything.

Insane Clown Pussies

1. Does the one on the right have a cock? Not in her hand.
2. I think you spilled some gravy on you.
3. Still don't believe in abortions?
4. I rather fuck Otis(If you don't get that fuck you)
5. The Olsen twins have really lost it.
6. Casey Anthony months prior.
7. As per legal issues: That is not my child.
8. Guess they opened a Hot Topic in the trailer park.
9. Jack Skellington never pays alimony.

Yes that's right, in case you forgot...James Earl Jones was in Conan.

And you thought there wasn't a snack for alcoholic lady strikers.

Don't tie me up, tie me down.

Bondage, humiliation and domination...oh my!!! You mean I can tie a woman up and force her to do what I want?!?!?! Sign...Me...Up!!! Or maybe call a therapist and get me on some good medication for these thoughts of strangling things with things to feel things(crazy). I guess it's not fun every time, because to be honest if you enjoy fucking this way then just get a job at the morgue, that's profit sex. Everyone has a fetish, hell I assume there's someone out there that gets off to people spelling difficult words. Having someone immobile though is like fucking a bag of wet sand and having been drunk on the beach it's not all that great. Mouth gagging is fun, but not in the bedroom I'd prefer it more maybe at dinner time or when I'm watching something, you know when it's convenient for me and my ears. I understand this street goes both ways ladies, but I'd prefer not to talk about the things I've had shoved inside me(the things I do for head), but something about spanking a grown man with a paddle while his wrists are tied..... is kinda embarrassing. I know that's what humiliation is (dickhead readers), but it's odd when you lock eyes with a stranger who has spotted you in a park at 3 in the morning getting disciplined for being a "bad boy". I bet if Frank Sinatra was still alive he could write a kick-ass song about that.

Hysterical?

1. She just realized she forgot her red shirt.
2. At least the Knights of Templar are looking better (except those two moms, we see you)
3. Guess they really wanted that rapture.
4. I have never seen a sporting event with no male fans...
5. Oh no wait, I found Waldo behind the girl who looks like she's from P.O.D.
6. Open your mouths...Jesus is cumming.
7. Hop Suisse Hop Suisse clap clap clap.
8. Semi-attractive disaster relief.

Andy Warhol's "Jay Leno"

The dreaded erection.

So for a woman, isn't seeing an erection a compliment? Well from someone you know, if it's a stranger then you're either about to have fun or get raped (rape is also implied when the person is kissing you with their eyes open). Being yelled at for an erection is like getting yelled at for cumming before you, obviously as the woman you're the more attractive one and that should be a given. Granted the compliment involves a piece of meat filled with blood that is looking to be inserted in one of your orifices, but it's a compliment none the less. Boggles me that showing an erection is a social faux pas and I should be able to control it yet I have to spend the whole night listening to you complain how you broke the seal and constantly need to pee every ten minutes. At least I'm just popping something that I can move and hide, I'm not using a dumb annoying voice to whine about something you should be able to control since potty training. There is no erection training, I tried to teach a class on the subject at the Y but it just resulted in more restraining orders.

A list of things not to say in the bedroom area presented in one continuous sentence.

Looks like Christmas came twice this year I'm kind of used to cumming on my own chest actually your labia is creating a nice breeze I can push it in oh well I've done porn you might know me from there you going to eat that lucky for you I washed it today I think your pussy gave me gas you need to hurry my 2 o'clock will be here soon you smell like my mom are you still alive what was your name again I have AIDS you might be pregnant you're the same age as my daughter I don't normally cry this much do you also validate parking you have to squeeze it my cat likes to watch strong adam's apple there Stephanie you were my first I see dead people sorry I keep my spare change up there knock knock who's there sperm they look lopsided I think I might be gay is that the ice cream guy but you were born with 2 nipples right bet Nostradamus didn't see this one cumming don't be such a baby it's just a rape did your pussy eat eat itself ok but why is there a string in your asshole your pussy tastes like dick ugh my cock needs glasses nooooo that's how the priest would touch me I didn't know it could be that color I was the voice of Captain Planet my tits are bigger your pussy was painted by Picasso sorry I didn't think you would wake up sex always makes me think of my kids you know a good abortion clinic right ssshhh you'll wake Grandma that's where my Daddy would kiss me I lost the other one back in '86 I've never had an erection before so the belly button is off limits cool if I stab you afterwards that was quick I heard you say stop the first time I came let me know when you're done I hope you wake from this coma.

Wizard Of Id

NONSENSE

Definition of NONSENSE
1a : words or language having no meaning or conveying no intelligible ideas
b (1) : language, conduct, or an idea that is absurd or contrary to good sense (2) : an instance of absurd action
2a : things of no importance or value : trifles
b : affected or impudent conduct
3: genetic information consisting of one or more codons that do not code for any amino acid and usually cause termination of the molecular chain in protein synthesis

Ugh

1. Shaun White seems very humble.
2. 138 is really how long that face is.
3. If my child's face looked like Easter Island I wouldn't name him Rocky.
4. Hope he wins the Preakness next year.
5. I'd probably try to punch myself also.
6. His face is the same texture as the inside of a chronic masturbator's hand.
7. He needs to use a mattress as a pillow.

Clever Animals

Ok let's be serious for a moment. You really feel that after all the knowledge and evolution of species since the beginning of time, that the animal kingdom can not communicate with us. Maybe it's you, because as a fellow human I go out of my way not to converse with you. Or maybe it might just be that (whether domesticated or not) animals are just fucking rude. A bear is able to open your refrigerator and make a sandwich, but never once would a woodland creatures wave or even give a casual head nod in your direction. Shit cats are pretty much like ex's considering they wait by the door for you on payday and pretend to not understand phrases such as "eat it bitch it's good for you" and "go get a fucking job then". I assume must animals are disgusted by the human race more than I am. Yes I know I haven't posted in awhile and yes I know this is short, not funny and doesn't have a point, but I'm fucking busy and don't get paid for this so blow me. Kisses.

Sorry I cunt hear you.

1. Big tits are like balloons, nice to get as a gift.
2. Clearly that smile got her nowhere in life.
3. Her ears are leaking sperm.
4. When she dies do those get recycled?
5. Midgets do the craziest stunt work.
6. DJ Tit E
7. They never let me in the club when I wear that outfit.

Back Door Beauty

Never before have I felt bad for a waitress... that was until me and my female accomplice arrived. Like two children in a candy shop, but instead the candy happened to be an innocent young girl within earshot. Though we finished our meal over 2 hours ago and I was still nursing a White Russian (haha), this woman was greeted out of the corner of her eye by 2 people crammed into one side of a booth undressing her with their eyes. I know, not that bad, but then we opened our mouths...each horrific sexual depictions, loud enough for her to hear and more exciting and creative than the last. However due to the repeated returns and glances (plus the cops were not called) I do believe our sexual heckling was appreciated...though I still took a bath when I got home to scrub off the dirtiness.

Un-fattering Appeal

I love the female figure, and yes a woman does look beautiful when pregnant, however... the pregnancy look can be unflattering at times. I know you dig the flapper look (I adore it), but maybe it's not the best time. A woman should not look like an out of work wrestler or... shudder to think (wasn't that the only single from that awful band X French T-Shirt) your beer belly preggo body might be carrying a still born. Either way sometimes we need to hide excessive things, which is why I wear black and stay away from skinny jeans.