I think I pulled my tits.

1. Make it clap.
2. That is the strongest bikini string ever.
3. Hugs are free with a bonus feel up.
4. Her tits start where her ass ends.
5. I can't believe she's not with a black guy.
6. She's her own lesbian experience.
7. Does she visit a chiropractor for a breast exam?
8. Those tits smell like ass.
9. I told Kristie Alley to not go backless.

Red Team Go!!! Red Team Go!!!

1. Andy Milonakis is in everything.
2. Apparently he wheeled the plant into the room.
3. How Perez Hilton got his start.
4. This is the last time the couple was ever seen.
5. Get Jason and Grant, there's a ghost of a Spanish rapist.
6. Never tell a nerd/goth no.
7. Chris Hansen has a few questions for 2 people.
8. A very lame Trojan Man.

The Cure?

1. That kid looks like a bruised ballsack.
2. John Goodman was a confused youngster.
3. I think the not so fat one is a chick.
4. At least they're obeying the leash laws.
5. Shaggy certainly let himself go.
6. 2005?!?! By now the big one has killed, raped and eaten 4 children.
7. ICP stands for Ice Cream Parlor, right?

I Love Sundays

1. I always fuck up those pieces in Tetris.
2. Doesn't he live in the room back there?
3. Dax Shepard hit a new low.
4. Ever fall asleep and have your sneakers wake up in 1990?
5. Thank God this didn't happen in San Francisco.
6. Good thing he lives in a gated community.
7. David Blaine isn't even trying anymore.
8. Turn the picture sideways and it's Jamiroquai. Virtual Insanity.

Confuzzled

I feel confused. To the people reading...I give you the tiny back story, so....cough...cough. One of Jerry Brown's boys called a woman (Meg Whitman) a whore (they're politicians simpletons.). I'm not sure how to tell people the story, especially if I were a media informer simply because of the word "whore". Describing the word sounds like an embarrassing farce and saying it outright, does sound odd. This is a topic to be explained to your children. It all comes down to where you draw the line on your child's intake. Well, if your kids are reading this, fuck the line they're not my kids. Your kid already heard this word and it came from your boyfriends mouth not thinking your kid was in the room. Concentrating more on your life than your child's makes you a whore (not all single moms just the cracky alcoholic ones). Bottom line is your kids are not my responsibility and if they are then it's way too late to collect........whore.

Trophy Dick

1. The trophy gave her the shaft.
2. She was triple dogged dare.
3. If I put my dick in a freezer I would cold cock you.
4. Good thing a breakfast cereal sponsors this.
5. As a skilled golfer and a slutty woman notice how she cups the balls.
6. What happened to Christina Applegate?
7. Get a room!!!
8. I'm to believe she wasn't introduced to Tiger Woods?

Mrs. Grape

1. The only woman that can pee on her stomach.
2. How did she even make it to the bench?
3. She looks like she's giving birth to one of the Pep Boys.
4. That's why Charles Schultz ended Peanuts.
5. I think her nipples are under her arms.
6. It looks like she's eating the bench.
7. I feel bad for the farmer that milks her.

Waste of picture time

1. That's me, I'm the one in black... no the other one.... no silly the other one.
2. Notice the gays off to the right are also wearing their colors.
3. The after photo is 9/11.
4. Modern day prom pic from West Side Story.
5. I thought ninjas hid in the shadows.
6. The Jawa outfit must be popular at India's Comic Con.
7. This might be a Saudi Arabian Playgirl photo, his ankles are showing.
8. Is the 2nd one on a skateboard or does she have a retard foot?

Future Shock

I don't get it, when I was a kid they told me the future would be now. Where are my holograms, robots...hell, any futuristic items that were in the Jetsons? I mean it's 2010 and instead of a ray that lets police know you're a criminal we instead rely on a semen sample. Cum is found at a crime scene more often than a crime (think about it). I don't like flying so you can keep your car advances and it's a recession so screw a condo on Mars, but little things are important to keep me happy. I want a particle transporter (teleport machine, you zilches). I've had it with walking in public. It's not the walk, it's all the idiotic nonsensical mouth chatter of others that you have to endure during it (no, headphones don't help). I'm paranoid and when around crowds I lower the volume in order to make sure no one is discussing anything about me. Maybe I'd be satisfied if I could just get a pill to cure insecurity or maybe just a good remake of the old Ducktales game for Nintendo so I don't have to go out. A Whooo-ooo.

Your Fucking Face!!!

Here's the back story.... Fabio takes a complimentary first voyage on a new coaster....destiny steps in....calmly says "I got this". At that moment a bird flies into Fabio's face and, yes, there is still 25 or so more seconds to the ride. When it looks like the old woman sitting next to you was flying on the wings of a Maxi and gave you a Rudolph, those seconds can seem like a lifetime. This is just one of the many reasons why I don't go on rides. I don't need that kind of embarrassment and my face would not hold up to a bird slamming into it. I assume Fabio's face came from Easter Island in order to annihilate a bird upon impact. How would you even explain that ability to people? "Yes...well my face actually has the power of a Randy Johnson fastball. What can your face do, besides stop traffic?" Then Fabio would laugh like a boisterous caveman, not really understanding the joke in the first place. I got your back though Fabio (believe me I prefer to be following behind you) I'll always keep you relevant by telling your tale of riding the dragon and slaying the Phoenix on Easter Island.

Slow and Steady

Am I the only one confused by the tale of The Tortoise And The Hare? It's a race.....based on speed.....fat and slow is the failure in this one. If you're going to tell me that it's about not being overconfident and not having a crazy ego...that's stupid, because then the rabbit wouldn't even have entered the race in the first place (get it?). If this was Nascar it would be the tale of 49 cars crashing and burning while a tricycle goes in a circle for 3 hours until they wave a flag. Side note: Driving in a circle repeatedly is not a sport, it's a hypnosis device (when viewed from a bird's eye) to trick rednecks into buying more beer. Maybe we should be teaching kids to not be fat, slow or rednecky. Also, not letting a child watch Nascar or baseball prevents alcoholism, because drinking is the only way to make either of those "sports" as entertaining as watching a turtle race.

Fatty Fatty Boom-a-Latty

1. Of course he does, there won't be a second one.
2. I told my mother I didn't want to wear that shirt.
3. In 18 years a neighbor will say "I can't believe it, he was such a nice boy".
4. There's no way that lunchbox's contents are going to satisfy him.
5. You can't tell but there is a small village behind him.
6. You would figure Susan Boyle could afford better clothes now.
7. Harry Porker and the Lunchbox of Food.
8. Those poor little feet and ankles.
9. Thank God Drew Carey dyed his hair.
10. His mother shouldn't have.

The wrong one blew the shotgun

Oh it happened again, my penis stopped working. God, what happened to the rebellious women I used to masturbate to? Even Skeletor has a British accent now, oh sorry, I mean Madonna. That ridiculous fake Jew looks like a velociraptor that got angry because her retard arms are too small to diddle. Maybe the thrill my cock experienced when I was little was due to a celebrity (or self proclaimed) not flashing their tits and pussy to everyone (that's not a real complaint). Hell, Drew Barrymore hasn't been relevant since she stopped. I guess as you get older you realize that eventually they will all end up looking like this. But why would anyone sleep with a celeb anyway? Why fuck something that's been invaded by every co-star or band mate they have ever known? That's not even counting all the dicks they sucked on their way to the top. Gotta gotta go down to move up.

Plumber Day

1. How Mexicans are born.
2. It would have been easier to bathe if the tub wasn't a storage unit.
3. What a weird Ikea ad.
4. Never scream "Flush the stash!!!" at the Pitt/Jolie household.
5. This is why abortions aren't done at home.
6. Chi-chi-chi-children.
7. Isn't the phrase "I just had a brown baby boy"?
8. And NY'ers were afraid of alligators in the sewers.
9. We're going to need a bigger bowl.

Loss of memory fading....

My memory serves me correctly far more often than I prefer it would. Of course I would crave any excuse to be allowed to forget even the tiniest fragments of time. Well you forgetful fucks, how dare you spend most of your day wandering around in confusion just to complain about not remembering all you had to accomplish. Fucking ridiculous. Is everyone aware that a forgetful person, accepted within a social group, receives a Get Out Of Jail Free card by making a sad face and saying "I forgot... sorry"? It's not fair. Others receive this social sympathy too, like the ugly person or stupid person. I think everyone needs to rise up against their "friends" (be honest, their bullshit annoys the shit out of you) and put a stop to people forgetting to pick up medicine for you on their way home. If you need incentive, their memory neglect really just means they don't' give a fuck about you. Go get 'em Tiger.

Nuff Said

I present you with the picture, what more do you want from me?!?!......... Fine....

1) P.H.A.T. 4 life
2) Notorius T.I.T.
3) Shame on a bigga
4) Go shortiieee it's your buffeettt...
5) Nerd needs food... badly
6) Thank God Jonah Hill turned it around.
7) Despite all my rage... I still want a cheesecake.
8) Big ups mon.
9) The teen years were rough.
10) Good Charlotte turned into Good Cadbury.
11) A.F.I. - Auto Feeding Intent
12) Eminem in a funhouse mirror

I am not a bitch... I mean witch

I fucking hate liars (even though I lied through most of my life and had a much better time not being honest). Since I'm speaking of liars, of course this is going to lead into a political comment about a woman who at one point in her life thought she was a witch and still thinks a man's dick has no place in this world. Personally I feel maybe more politicians should let you know they're not witches, ghouls or demons, despite the fact that they will become one of those as soon as they are in office. I'm guessing the 900 Wicca Gods and Goddess' (I can't name 10 people I like, let alone worship 20 different earth and water Gods) also told her that masturbation is cheating (Ha! I always thought it was helping to prevent cheating). Shouldn't we be asking her questions about how she's going to help the poor? (Which now includes middle class) Or how she will help the recession? Also, for idiots that don't pay attention (my fans), the rich said the recession ended in 2009. Yeah, it's over everyone. You can start spending money you don't make at stores that had to close down. Ahhh screw it...let's ask more political candidates if they watch Ghosthunters or Jersey Shore, that's totally going to fix this country.

Midgetal Love

You know... it sounds like digital... the Daft Punk song... no?!?! Go fuck yourselves, especially if you're not under 5 feet. I want a little person sooo bad it hurts (only up to my knees though). Could you imagine having your own portable nightstand wherever you go? Just not anything really wide, because their little hot dog fingers can't grip it well, so all drinks will have to be rested on their heads. I enjoy just being able to look all the way down at someone and say "Come on, go up on me", hell what's the point of being in a relationship if you can't look down at the other person. Those little delights are also cheaper due to their smaller stature; children's tickets at the movies, fewer drinks because of their already barely working liver. Shit if you're taking a flight out of Boston or New Jersey you can probably just sneak them on with your carry on (security probably won't check anyway). Knowing that you will always win an arguement is wonderful too because if that little bitch acts up I'll cunt-punt her across the room.

Yellow Fever

I think out of all the people across this rock we live on, the Chinese, Asian, Korean whatever the fuck they want to be called, have to be the dumbest looking race. Have a gander at a yellow man doing anything that doesn't include a calculator or sitting, and it almost seems as if their top row of teeth extends. Especially any one of them playing sports, its similar to watching a paraplegic rolling down an up escalator and just as funny. The women are no better considering that they start to grow fruit tumors out of their neck after the age of 30. I don't have the heart to tell those women how ridiculous they look exercising either, moving slower does not mean working out harder. I guess if I had to come home to the Asian man's little cheese doodle, I'd probably prolong any process that keeps me out of the house. I also don't feel we should really trust a race that always look like they're struggling to see something in the distance. I didn't write this just because I'm jealous of their video game hair, there's just too fucking many of them in Brooklyn.