Here's a picture of a dumb chink. Happy Jewlidays. I'm out.

Fertility Pop

Bear with me and bare it all for me, we're taking a small trip through time. Jazz starts up and parents warn their children to stay far away from it because they will turn into crazy homeless potheads. Then from another black guy comes Rock 'n' Roll (which white people then steal), parents then warn of everything from death to drug addiction to devil worshipping, etc., etc. Heads up, the blacks are up to it again...here comes rap. Never has a mother of a fat daughter been so scared before. Parents then decided rap would lead to a world of gangs and crack. Side note: Anyone notice the pattern of parents who lied and didn't support their children's dreams, but it's not they're fault, right? Back to my point, where are all the parents lying to their kids about becoming a pop star? Maybe warn them of the truth? Inform them that after 2 albums they will become extremely annoying, be forced to lie about sexual preference (yeah you Bieber) and be abused more than someone walking into a door that says pull. Perhaps the only good thing about being interested in pop is the fancy landscaping in the pant area, thanks pop.

Drink Up, Sit Down

Fine lets do this. S-H-O-T-S!!! SHOTS, SHOTS, SHOTS!!! I'm not saying it's smart to drink and drive, but I wouldn't discuss a person's termination unless they were a professional driver. D&D (sorry geeks not Dungeons and Dragons-but feel free to contact me if you prefer to roll a 20 sided die in order to figure out where I'll stick my Level 9 Love Staff) should inform you that the person is retarded, it should not determine their work performance. "He endangered the lives of two others in the car" Ooh yeah totally, those adults clearly could not make an adult decision and say "Hol up, nigga's drunk B.". It's like when everyone got mad at R. Kelly for giving a little girl some yellow discipline. I'm 100% positive that since I've been 2 years old I can say I don't want someone to pee on me and I think that same mentality can tell me not to get in a car with a drunk driver. Professional athletes and celebrities aren't children, they're grown up like the rest of us and, like the rest of us, if we had big bank we'd do whatever the fuck we want too. I do whatever I want by eating Hawaiian Punch ice cubes as a meal.

Yummy

Try and guess what I had for breakfast this morning.

Bitch Bitch Bitch

Holy shit?!?!?! I got so wrapped up in Obama and switching careers that I totally did not realize people were supporting government. What the fuck happened?!?!?!? I'm not sure about you,but, the cat from Red Shoe Diaries taught me to trust no one because aliens abducted his sister and the government covered it up. Really? Can most of America be behind a bunch of rich elderly white men who don't do their jobs and only stand up and fight for tax breaks that affect their income bracket? American government has never been on the poor people side. Remember when we kicked all the poor Indians out of their own country or had the country split down the middle due to the bottom redneck half (where a lot of government comes from) wanting to keep blacks as slaves? Can everyone please rise up against the rich? They think the recession is over and feel that the working people (my dumb readers) can get through life on under $20,000 a year. Fact: Making under $10,000 is considered poverty, so, if you make $11,000 they want you to keep your mouth shut and not complain over the ever raising prices of everything.

Ghosts 'n' Stuff

I'm not asking you to read this and have to make a decision on the belief of existence in any form of way after death..... just the belief of me existing after death. Trust me no one wants a ghost form of you, I couldn't stand you in real life I certainly don't want a version of you I can't destroy. I, however, plan on spying and playing pranks after I die (if I die, I'm not sure if I'm going to let that happen yet). Dealing with this ridiculous world might not be so bad if I can fuck with people for the rest of eternity. Look, everyone just watch out after I die, I'll saran wrap every entrance in your house and make sure all the windows are open when it rains. Remember you're never alone with ghost me, I'm always watching and listening, so say good bye to private conversations, sex and pooping...... because I'm there about to levitate something. You better not bring a priest by to take care of me either, I'm not afraid to possess you and ruin your chances at that promotion you were up for. Booooo motherfucker!!!

HHEEEYYY YYYOOOOOO!!!!!!

Everybody shut the fuck up. Stop fucking shouting incoherent things especially if you aren't drunk. Drunk.. eehhh... you kinda get a pass, but sober... no you're a loud attention seeker because no one cares about you. Especially lets stop yelling at women from a distance, it's embarrassing to men and a guarantee no woman is going to blow you. "Hey you!!! You look hot!!! Need a ride?!?!" Wow how is she not already waiting for you in your bed? Thank god she didn't trip taking her pants off for you in the middle of the street at 2 in the morning. Women are no better... "WHOOOOOO!!!!!!!!! I love a Carvel milkshakes!!! WHOOOOO!!!!" The avenue did not need to know that, if you're that excited about a milkshake become a hooker. At least you don't have to report your wages to the government. Can all these Neanderthals find another way to get attention please, I mean, you took a school picture at some point so your family knows you exist. Just be happy with that and fade into the background with the rest of the unintelligents. Oh this describes most of my fans, uhmmmm well don't say I never tried to tell you.

Extra! Extra! Read about nothing.

What the fuck happened to the news?!?! Where the fuck is it?!?! There is a million and one things going on in this world that are important to everyone, but all I keep hearing about is a meat dress worn by a woman I don't give a shit about. Forget all the scientific advances or the "still a big fucking issue" economic problems, please remind me how many kids Angelina Jolie has or if her hubby bought a new motorcycle. Why doesn't someone do a report about how the education system is so poor that elementary children have to bring in their own toilet paper and paper towels. That's like living in a second world. Is there a second world? I know the third world sucks, but... Oh and can we please stop asking celebrities their opinion of things poor people deal with? They're not poor and they clearly don't remember where they came from and can't relate. I think we can get a more logical opinion if we ask the Jeopardy contestants. The news shouldn't be handled like a guest list for an MTV get together. There's a lot of stories involving tragedy, hope and courage from around the world. Let's discuss that, instead of which Jersey Shore member will get AIDS first. Personally I hope it's Ronnie, he's the perfect example of how insignificant some people can be in life.

B...R...A...I...N...S

Why do people fear a zombie outbreak? You serious, I mean these creatures move at a baby crawl. (Geek note: I said zombies not humans infected by a rage virus. Then only the gamers will survive.) That's like being frightened of the slower moving Blob, hell, paraplegics move quicker than that. I've been more scared of a fat chick riding me and suddenly falling over. Which similar to a zombie attack is very slow with a lot of grunts, except much sweatier. Even a fat woman with diabetes could walk away from this without a scratch, but as with fat people when they see others enjoying a feast they must divulge. Surprisingly this could be the first worldwide tragedy that can be handled in the redneck way, which is a bottle of liquor, pack of cigarettes, shotgun and a porch. Just sit back and enjoy the fireworks. I'd probably go hunt down all the people I hate and hope they're infected just so I can blow their brains out. No dirty birdie, not that way, however most of the people I hate blew my brains out at some point. Shit even if they weren't infected I'd shoot them anyway and claim they grunted "Brains" at me. Nobody puts Kenny in a corner, and I'd totally shoot zombie Patrick Swayze just for shits and gigs.

I hate you... Kisses

Let's clear a few things up (in hindsight after re-reading this, just maybe one or two). If you don't like someone and you are mean to them, it's not fucking mean. Fuck them, you don't like them so who gives a shit. You hate a guy...fuck his chick; call immigration on his mother. That's just life and also very funny. And to justify it, sleep with some cats chick, you're really doing him a favor by letting him know she's a slut twat (it's totally the woman's fault in that situation. It would also be the man's fault if we vice-versa-ed it). Hating a woman is trickier, you have to get down to their level and play truthfu gossip girl. Say she found a hero on a clothespin snatch, well it's time to let everyone know. So be mean, get crazy, love to hate.

NY Basic Garbage

Where have all the cartoons gone? Do doo da do doo da (I know I do an awesome Paula Cole). I'd like to believe that if a family is almost destitute they would not have money to splurge on cable for the kids. Basic TV in NY has no children's programs on weekday mornings and decides to broadcast infomercials and Jesus misery on weekends. Am I the only one who thinks this would fuck up a kid who's parents are working and grandma watches them. After seeing the same weather and traffic report every ten minutes, that kid is going to kill a cat, then grandma. Hearing Jesus bullshit all Sunday morning without being in church or being catholic is shockingly wrong for the little Mexican or spic at home.(Others can afford cable not my fault.) I promise that your child watching all the NuWave or SilverBullet commercials will not create another Billy Mayes, you'll end up with your kid being a retard embarrassment in a question mark Suit explaining how he can get us money from the gov't. Not all tv is educational but your child will probably learn more from a shotgun blast to a cartoon rabbit's head then Fox claiming everyone is a terrorist. They said Obama was Muslim you really want your kids watching that.

I love my kitty

Most of us pray for the life of a cat, but being an unemployed writer I'm not far off. We eat when we want, sleep during the days and play all night. My little pussy may be the only one I know that's a picky eater (even after she's lapped up some spilled liquor) which is odd for any pussy. The only difference is that if you annoy me I won't piss on your favorite shit... oh no... wait... I have done that. Don't touch the tummy she doesn't like it and neither do pregos (they don't). I think my cat may be a little retarded because she can't catch flies. Well catching isn't the problem, its that they move too fast for her so after a few seconds she's left looking confused like a transgender at a public restroom. I also don't run for no reason, I might have been known to stride on occasion but that's strictly in a whimsical manner. The main similarity is...don't pester us because we'll just fucking leave. Our lives have no time for your bullshit.

3-D sounds like a raping

Is everybody fucking high getting all jazzed up about a failed technology from the 70's and 80's? I don't know about you, but for my whole life I have viewed a three dimensional world filled with three dimensional items in it..... I know... fucking wild. For kids under 8, yeah, I can see this as being awesome having your favorite characters leap off the screen at you. But for me, I'd rather pop a few caps to add some reality to it. Also, I wear glasses (not recreationally), I certainly do not want to be forced to wear something over my already existing glasses that clearly doesn't fit. Something that doesn't sit well with me either (like a fatty in a movie seat) is the shear embarrassment one feels for watching something in 3-D all alone and having someone catch you in the act. You slowly turn to look at them with those stupid fucking glasses on and a dumb Jughead smile on your dumb fucking face. Yuck, you can keep 3-D, wake me up when you figure out 4-D.

Hop the border

Ok, I think it is fun, but a "cross the border" theme park in Mexico is a little
outrageous. No, not Taco Bell, I don't even think they have those in Mexico. It's a literal amusement park where one of the rides is a simulation of you being an illegal immigrant crossing the border. Look, I would love to try it but I'm America and I don't want to sink into a third world country like..... uhm...... all the rest. It is clearly a training ground and I'm almost positive if there was other shit like this we would stop it. Like if there was a theme park in Germany where you break into a house and round up some Jews, people would disagree with it. Maybe a water slide down debris of the World Trade Center would be entertaining while a flight simulator let's you fly directly into the building. This is dragging, either way Mexicans are fucking tiny and we can just overtake them and stop this. Open the park in America though, I want to do it.

It's not reality, it's garbage

Still not tired of all these ridiculous reality shows polluting your brain like a BP oil spill? (BP... Brain Power, get it? No? Figures.) MTV has really proved to us that being a complete fuck up in life will more than likely make you rich and famous for about 2-3 years. After that it's off to VH1 where we learn everyone who thinks they had a career can show how desperate the need for camera time is. I don't mind if we keep a few of them around, I do enjoy laughing at people. Maybe if we stopped marketing them as "Reality" I wouldn't mind it so much. Maybe make shows based on reality like "Nose Candy" where two random strangers split an 8-ball and waste the evening in a bathroom talking nonsense at lightning speeds. Or maybe we can make a show where these "reality" stars aren't surrounded by network security. So, instead of being allowed to mouth off...a black guy can pop them in the mouth. I assume black because everyone else just sits around afraid to do something about an annoying asshole. Thanks hypothetical black guy.